intentions, arguing with myself, and sweet whispers…

7 Oct

If you look up the word dreamer in the dictionary, you probably find my face there.  Yes that’s me.  The one who can think of a billion ideas on what she wants to do, what others should do, what we all can do together.  And I’m not only talking about big ideas like start a radio station or TV show, but the little things too, like teach my kids about art and workout every single day of my life.  Okay, okay, so maybe those aren’t really dreaming, but planning…or in my case, intending.  Good intentions will be the death of me one day.  I intend to get up and work out everyday…even for just 30 minutes.  I intend to read to my kids every single night before bed.  I intend to study the word of God before my workouts every morning.  I intend to keep the house clean, have dinner on the table (healthy dinner mind you), and not be all scrubby everyday too.  As I sit and mentally make my list every night…really I do this, a weird feeling comes over me.  It’s called OVERWHELMENT!  It’s called wearing myself out before I even start.  It’s called crazy lady who can’t even commit to one task a day is trying to take on too many!  And that’s where my intentions stop, or should I say fail.  “But these are just normal things!” I yell at myself.  (Ummm, I have full blown arguments with myself, sometimes even out loud…)  “You should be able to handle this…it’s not even that hard!  You are such a slacker!”  Gasp!  Yes, I am guilty of verbally abusing myself.   If you look up the phrase baby steps, it would say “the route that Christine should take”.  BABY STEPS! (That’s me whining)….but I need the house to be clean now.  I need to be skinny now.  My kids need to be taught everything now.  I need to get on the ball now. 

How is this baby steps thing done anyway?  I mean, how is anything going to get done with baby steps?  Well, my dear friend, all I can say is that overwhelment causes paralysis for me, so baby steps are probably better than no steps.  The problem I have is that I try to take everything on at once.  And not just try to start everything, but actually complete it.  That right there is where I sabotage myself.  My husband tells me to start with something small and finish it.  Then move on to the next step.  My second problem is that by the time I make plans to start doing something, I have totally slacked on it for a while and it’s so far gone, that the thought of the task is overwhelming.  Ayayay just talking about it is making me crazy!  Anyway, so the really messed up part is that I somehow have managed to wrap my identity up in all this so when I fail I feel lame…it’s a big never-ending cycle.  Please make it stop! 

As my emotions get the best of me and my self esteem starts to take a nose dive, and I cry to the Lord, he gently whispers reminders of His love and acceptance.  He lets me peek through His eyes to see what He sees when He looks at me.  He lets me know He is here to help and that I am to live victoriously and not defeated.  So I take a deep breath and praise Him for His grace and love, and start again.  Only this time I have a renewed spirit and sense of ambitiousness because it is in His strength that I will do it.

Philippians 4:13 (Amplified Bible)

13I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who [a]infuses inner strength into me; I am [b]self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].

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